Yeah… I am not so sure about that just yet. I wish I had an official timeline for this wound. At least then I would be able to point to a date on the calendar and say, “There… that date right there, things will get better.” But I know that is unrealistic. I took some time last week when I was in CT to stop by the cemetery, and the hurt is that much more than even the day we buried David.
I sat there for a while, crying behind my sunglasses, asking David why he would have left so abruptly when we clearly had so much more to do. The grass isn’t really coming back where the ground was disturbed on that shitty October day. I was reminded I still have to make a headstone for him, but there are things that are holding me back from getting that done.
The rectangle outlining the length of the coffin and the inconsistency in the ground remind me that while we are six months removed, the wounds are still fresh. I guess I kind of realized that if the nature isn’t ready to commit David to its depths, I should take some solace in the way I am feeling.
I still ask myself “why” daily and find myself mumbling to David about what was so dire that he couldn’t be here for the fun times, and I constantly ask him, or “the air”: “What I am supposed to do when the rough times get tougher?”
Time heals all wounds? I guess we’ll have to wait and see. For right now, the wound is as fresh as ever and only seems to be the same or worse depending on the day.
