It always happens on the plane. Thirty-two thousand feet surrounded by a ton of strangers, headphones plugged in. Nowhere to go. I think I’ll read, I think I’ll watch a movie, I think I’ll look at the menu and maybe order something I really don’t need nor should be eating because I’m not really hungry anyway. I think I’ll look at the soda…… and then WHAM, it hits. The angry little sucker punch to the stomach that just takes it out of you.
Eyes well up, Adam’s apple expands to four times its size, and it just pulls you under like a riptide in some head high waves. Nothing that looked too big or sinister, and it just pulls the rug out from under you and tries to drown you.
That happened yesterday. I was coming off three days in Iceland with some friends celebrating the announcement of a friend’s engagement. I won’t go so far as to call it a bachelor party. It wasn’t; it was a bunch of like-minded people getting together and just celebrating for a couple days.
It was probably a combination of things. The experiences shared, being at a location I wanted to visit with David, and how much of an addition he would have been to this particular group.
But it always gets me on the plane. That little bastard, sneaking up and slapping me when I am most vulnerable. Regret. Sadness. Loneliness… only words of something lost.
The mind is funny in that way, when you take the guard down and stop defending. It will process so much information. It’s like when you are trying to tell somebody about a dream, but there aren’t really words to describe it. It’s all feeling and emotion moving faster than words, and if you tried to explain, you wouldn’t make any sense to the other person.
I think it is because the emotions are unique to you, like a fingerprint. Happiness might be a warm ray of sun on your face, the funny expression your child might make, or that first bite of your favorite desert. It’s isolated to your own experiences, and therefore no other person will ever quite know what you are really feeling. We say we do, but can we really?
So we all love the good ones. Those unexpected moments where whatever your thing is just happens and all is good in the world. We also get the bad ones, which are equally as powerful.
So I was sitting on this plane, coming off this exceptional weekend. And there it was just lingering in the corner of my mind, and as I walked by, it pounced like a lion or cheetah and was relentless in its attack. Tearing at my vital organs, all happening in fast forward, no time to think. I am the unsuspecting gazelle on the plains of my own emotions, and this viciousness is just releasing on my well-being.
It probably lasted less than a minute, but the after effects are like fresh wounds and scars that will take a couple days to heal. I miss him so much. I just honestly miss some of the semblance of normalcy—our normalcy, as un-normal as it was—something that I will never get back. It’s amazing to be constantly reminded that the actions of others can impact the rest of your life.
I hate the sucker punch.
