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Leave It to Bill

By January 18, 2012Depression

There were many nights out where I was witness to the dynamic duo of David and Bill Cullen.

Bill was David’s alter ego:

A completely unashamed joker who was well over six feet—everything David wished he was. No matter how well you thought you could control a room, Bill and David would walk in, and it was “game over” for whatever game you thought you may have had.

There was one time in particular where I met them at Public House, and our high school friend Caitlyn was working the bar. David and Bill owned a prime spot at the bar, and clearly several shots had transpired before my arrival. As usual, they were swarmed by a bunch of “woo girls,” and it was all smiles and laughs.

David was a complete instigator, and Bill was happy to oblige. So David threw down like, $100 on the bar and was like, “Bill, hundred bucks if you can do a handstand on the bar stool.” I’m immediately like, “This a VERY bad idea.” But Bill, not one to back down from a challenge, pulls out your standard-sized bar stool and starts the process of balancing himself horizontally over the stool. But he also wanted more than the $100 bucks and turns to this pretty hot girl and is like, “If I do this I get to kiss you… and I mean tongue!” Now I need to remind you here Bill is like, 6’4”… maybe more. The bar stool is roughly three feet off the ground, so if Bill pulls this off, we are talking about a dude inverted with his feet roughly ten feet in the air end-to-end. Did I mention we had been doing Jameson shots?

So, the first few attempts results in very pretty girls taking an Allen-Edmonds to the face… which, for some reason, didn’t even seem to phase the girls at all. (Still to this day, it confuses me since the lightest drop from most dudes drink would get a vicious look from most women, let alone getting the sole of a New York dress shoe in your face… that should have immediately started some sort of mayhem.) This huge bouncer walks up and starts to stop Bill, and I see David pull off the most amazing move. It may have included a $20.00 bill slipped, but basically my 5’ 2” brother tells this six-foot-plus bouncer to back off because he is about to see something very cool. And the bouncer does…

So Bill continues with this Olympic-level start where he is balanced horizontally over the bar stool, and then somehow he starts shifting his weight so that magically he is actually getting inverted until finally the dude is actually doing a handstand, on top of a bar stool, after something like 4 shots I had with them and who knows how many before I got there.

His dismount was a little less graceful, but he proceeds to snag the $100 bucks off the bar, turns around, totally french kisses the girl, and then we are “asked to leave” the bar by the bouncer.

As we walk out to a bunch of dirty looks from the slimy financial douches who clearly have been upstaged by these digital media morons—leaving the starter Rolex’s and poorly-tailored, overpriced suits behind—we hear the ultimate slow-clap that builds to the raucous cheering of pretty much every girl in the bar.

It was one of those moments when you know you have just witnessed two very charismatic people pull off the most inconceivable thing imaginable, with complete style and grace all the way up to us being kicked out of the bar. I was a very proud older brother that day.

I went home that night and tried a handstand. I landed on my face.