It’s been a bit since we last spoke, but my cousin continues to drop eloquent jewels, even as he journeys across the globe. Tim- enjoy your trip… perhaps I can provide some relief as you embark on your new year.
At Thanksgiving, Tim asked me, “What should I do?” He had two options for his new year: one close to home, the other far away from it. I told him stay close, but he chose the option farthest away… good for him.
Lesson: Never listen to Jay 🙂
Tonight, I watched my sons and their cousins blow party favors, scream at the top of their lungs, and even set off fireworks (much to my chagrin)—truly partying at the adolescent-level New Years in Stratford, CT. They celebrated the new year just because that’s what you do when you’re young. Have a blast and enjoy the fact that your family is together. Even TJ was awake…
This was a tradition in our family since the early 80’s: We would run into the street at 12:00 and pound pots and pans at their full capacity, shouting at the top of our lungs. Tim, David, my other cousins, we would all participate in the madness… it was just what we did. Year after year. Neighbors beware.
It’s crazy how this sort of tradition grows a life of its own… thinking back, every time I looked parallel and saw David smiling at me, I should have memorized it, should have held it close to my heart as something that could never be regained… I should have jumped around next to him and enjoyed being a kid because it is SO IMPORTANT. When I tackled him, I should have helped him up and patted his back. Should have seen those dimples as a window into his soul… a troubled child truly letting go. I should have cherished the person right next to me, knowing that they would always be right by my side, no matter what. I should have loved being with him and the fact that the new year was OURS. I should have done this.
Wait… I DID.
What I wouldn’t give to have Tim and David with me tonight. We would have punched each other and talked trash and never realized how sacred it was. We would have left the room damn near hating each other. I wouldn’t be writing this. I’d be asleep, and they would have driven to their next destination. I would have called one of them in a few days. I would have missed a chance to pour tears onto my laptop and recollect how great things once were. I wouldn’t have a chance to stare at this picture of the three of us and think how FUCKED UP it is that this kid isn’t here. I would have missed out on trying to ignore my son Sebastian as he asked me repeatedly, “Are you okay?” on the way back from Target after my father called and said, “I have some bad news…” The words “David is gone” wouldn’t run though my mind like a pinball, trying to touch every piece of grey matter I have left to infiltrate. I would have missed out on the pain I feel as I try to diagram a song dedicated to you, thoughts unrelenting in their fury. I wouldn’t get the chance to type this hoping a ghost would come talk to me.
DON’T YOU GET IT DAVID????
PLEASE DON’T DO IT!!!
I digress.
The last time I hung out with David at New Year’s was 1992. I had recently obtained my driver’s license, and Tim was doing his own thing that night. Dave was at my mother’s house, just like every other year. But this was the first year we ever LEFT. My mother surely suffered a panic attack that night, but David and I LEFT the house and went to the house of a girl whom I was friends with. Nothing ensued… I basically wanted to prove that I could drive and that my cousin was my sidekick. I remember rocking a purple windbreaker with purple and white kicks, thinking I was the man. I don’t remember what David wore, but I remember the girls saying, “He’s so cute”… the last time he ever heard those words… 🙂 This was one of many “drives” I plan to discuss about David. These will come in a future blog, Lord-willing.
To all of you reading- HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Jason
