I am in awe how amazingly complex the human psyche really is: woke up this morning and truly believe my brain is trying to work out some of the more difficult stuff in my sleep.
One of the most important times to me has always been the spot right between REM and Awakening in the morning. I dream regularly during this time… vivid, bold dreams. It’s also a time when I am able to work on the more complex conscious/subconscious problem-solving. For the purpose of this discussion, let’s call it “Feel Thinking” (I just made that term up, so cut me some slack if it is corny) . Think about it this way: How much faster would you be able to talk to somebody if you could transfer thoughts vs. trying to express them in words?
You’ve experienced “Feel Thinking” if this has ever happened to you. You were dreaming, woke up, looked at your alarm clock, and it was 4:36 a.m. You fall back asleep into the same dream but now are somewhat aware and more in control of it. You are able to start influencing things, work out your day, answer that tough problem you were dealing with in work, move some of the actors and extras. You open your eyes… it’s 4:42, but you feel as if hours have passed.
This is probably my favorite time of the day and, to me, one of the most important when it happens. The only “catch” is if you try to extend it too far that you are actually awake and forget everything you worked out. If you go back to sleep, you’ll definitely forget it. If you don’t get up and write it down immediately… POOOOF it’s gone. You might have bits and pieces, but you won’t retain the details.
So it happened today.
Scene: Something akin to the Lakehouse pictured above
Cast: Jason (my cousin) and me
We’re sitting on the stairs… it jumps back and forth between me and Jason sitting on the top landing. We’re discussing David. And huge waves of emotions are coursing through me. I am sobbing, like really sobbing. In the dream, we are trying to piece together David’s mind. Trying to work together to drum up various emotions so we can make words and feelings to simulate what he might be going through. (At some point, I dump some laundry on the stairs… no idea why this is relevant, but it stood out clearly. It could have just been the “you need to do your laundry when you get back” checklist type thing, or it might be something more.) So we are going back and forth “Feel Thinking,” so it’s tough to put in words. But I am trying to drum up the biggest sad I can.
The scene shifts… we are outside in a yard rolling grass, and Jason and I are walking around talking about various things. The family is there, but it’s blurry. We come upon this patch of land, and it’s a giant oval surrounded by stones. Children are all around it—they are happy, but they are also crying a sad cry only a child could cry. Again it’s raw emotion, so you are able to feel what you are hearing. (I’m thinking this is us as kids, and the area is definitely David’s fresh grave.) Imagine this kind of being a “Christmas Carol” Ghost of Whatever leading Jason and I through these scenes. The stones stand out to me as well. The perimeter is well-defined.
So I wake up, and I wrote down, “Looking for a word.” My brain is looking for a word that I don’t have in my vocabulary: It may, in fact, not exist to try to describe what I am feeling. I also woke up a bit refreshed. That feeling you get after a good cry, or right after you throw up. It’s that “that didn’t feel good at all, but I’m feeling much better thanks” kind of feeling. And I thank the complexity of the brain for the that. ‘Cause it felt good, but I am not sure I am ready to feel that way when I am awake just yet.
Now begins the search for the word.
NOTE: David has yet to show up in my dreams. My mom has only shown up a total of three times, I recall, since she passed away. Just mentioning that since I remember thinking it was awkward when Mom died that she wasn’t in my dreams for several months.
