“But how are you doing?” they always ask. A reasonable question by any measure… how many times have I asked the same thing of so many people when they are going through the loss of something kindred. It’s always delivered sincerely—maybe there’s a hand on the shoulder. Always direct eye contact, like a police officer, as if they could detect a mistruth if I don’t give ’em the honest answer.
“But how are you doing?”… if you’re good, you’ll end up creating a bunch of really great soundbites. Like a politician on the campaign trail: “Less taxes, more jobs, kiss baby, smile for the camera. Avoid the tough stuff, stick with the foundational stuff.”
I think most people ask because we’re taught to ask. I’m not quite sure any of us were taught to listen. And in many cases, most of don’t. So we have this B.S. litmus test that we apply to ensure we are getting the “canned ham” responses in reply to our question, and by that measure, we somehow have done our civil duty to the recently bereaved.
“But how are you doing?” It’s funny even when you look at the question. How are you doing? How am I doing what? My laundry? My hair?
We probably should ask, “How are you feeling?” Because that is what I think we are really trying to get at. But “how are you feeling” is much too personal. And many times, we’re just going through the courtesies of the exchange—we actually don’t want to know. So we use, “But how are you doing?” instead.
How am I doing? I’m doing pretty shitty, honestly. I’ve had the rug ripped out from under me for the last couple years. I’ve had open-heart surgery twice, with no anesthesia, completely lucid, watching the doctor tear my most vital organ out of my rib-cage, peel off giant pieces, and throw them into a 6 x 4 x 8 hole in the ground in Stratford. Hand the semi-beating thing back to me to do my own sutures and remind me that they don’t take my particular insurance so I’ll need to pay in full on the way out.
How am I doing? I am doing something I know I need to be doing with this foundation knowing that there is something good that will come out of this. But I’d rather selfishly be opening a for-profit business with my little buddy, planning the next trip… honestly, I’d rather be doing anything other than this.
But when in life, are we really given the opportunity to “Do” or be “Doing” what we want? It’s not how it works. Those who succeed DO what they need TO DO when they need TO DO it. You can’t ask why—it’s mostly a useless question. You probably won’t know how, so you have to just DO and always DO your best.
I don’t want to alienate all the love that has been sent my way, or discourage people talking to me. I appreciate more than you all can imagine the support I have been given for several years now. I know all of the “how are you doing’s?” are genuine in nature, and by no means am I implying you should stop asking.
I just thought to myself this morning if I am creating “canned ham” responses, then clearly I am seeing a pattern in what people are asking me. If I am offering a “canned ham” answer, then I am not doing what I set out to do with this blog, which was to provide you all an unashamed view of my life and my recovery. I’m calling myself out for making “soundbites.” I’m also going to try to approach my questions to people who are experiencing loss a little differently. Mix it up a bit, and always be sure that if I am asking a question or checking in, I’m ready and willing to hear the whole answer.
