was successfully added to your cart.

Today’s a Good Day as Any to Be Mad as Hell……

By December 6, 2011Anger

The picture above might be a little harsh. And to those of you reading who are suffering from depression, my deepest apologies to you today, but this stuff really takes a toll on those closest to it. You are not alone in the way you are feeling, and you likely are not seeing the people around you right now trying to extend a hand to hold or a shoulder to lean on…

BUT………

There is one thing I want to be super clear about, because it came up between me and David: He felt like a burden and felt bad about it. I could not get through to him that he wasn’t a burden to me. To the people suffering and to those who care about them, YOU ARE NOT A BURDEN. We do it because we love you, and we know you would or have done the same when and if we were in the same place.

But when you give up and take your own life, you become the very definition of “burden” to those left behind. Every moment of our life becomes burdened by your memory. And these last few days, I’ve been mad as hell at David for doing what he did. Because in taking his own life, he threw all the unfinished, unattended pieces of his life square into the middle of mine. He took away my gym partner, which is making my my workouts suck. He took away my snowboarding buddy, so now when the news talks about a possible snowstorm, I want to smash my snowboard into pieces, pop every snow tire on his car, and never want to consider riding again. When I see my bike, I think about the rides I won’t be taking with him this spring. My mail has tripled, my workload quadrupled. When I cancel your cable services or your gym memberships and they ask me why I am canceling, I have to explain that you took your own life because part of you thought you were too much of a burden. A burden is having to provide a death certificate and letters testamentary to NYSC, or Verizon, while they try to up-sell me a new service or perhaps suspend your service because maybe somebody else in the family would like your iPhone at some point in the future.

So today and these last couple days… I’m MAD at you, little brother, for forcing me to be the man I know I am while you get to skirt the responsibility of living and not being here for me in my darkest hour… for having to listen to the other MAD people you have now Burdened with your memory and their own “feeling game” of “What Could I Have Done Differently?”

You see, David, they say time heals all wounds. But aren’t I the last person that should be wounded by you?

Yet I am fuming today because some days I have good days, and I think maybe it is because I thought of you .000001% less than I did yesterday and focused a little more time on me. But I end up madder because the thought of not thinking about you seems somehow wrong.

I am mad as hell at you because the first of the LIPF sample ties came in, and they are really, really nice and so many people have already pre-ordered them that I am chomping at the bit for the real production ones to arrive. I am enraged because there shouldn’t be any ties at all.

You were never, ever a burden to me… until now. And guess what? I have every right to be MAD about it. So do the other people feeling the same way. If there was ever a time to feel that you are a “burden,” it is right now… except you can’t, can you? Because you are not here.

Learn from this… nothing in my life has ever been so cruel as this Suicide.