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I’m not saying you are wrong or right. I am saying if you are right, I want nothing to do with it, and I am intentionally blind, deaf, and mute until further notice.

A few people have reached out to me who have seen “mediums.” You know those people like Whoopie Goldberg in Ghost? People who are connected to the spirit side of things and can presumably speak to the dead.

Each and every time, they come back with some tidbit of information. To me, it is usually vague enough that I now chalk it up to, “We see what we want to see,” in the vague messages typically provided. Now, that being said, I have spoken to one of these paid people once in my life, and it was only as a result of an appointment my mom made… and was done begrudgingly, at that. But the point was they could make a statement like, “You’ve recently lost somebody close to you.” Yah, no shit, Sherlock… quick! Call Watson, we solved the case! I am reminded of that scene from Pee-Wee Herman where the lady says the bike is in the basement of the Alamo.

So you have these people going, and they sometimes reach out to me. Sometimes they tape these things and tell me, “If you ever want to listen, we’ll just hold on to them ’til you are ready.”

What every single one of them has said: “They just wanted you to know they are okay” (referring to Mom and David just wanting to tell me that everything is okay). Sometimes, they reference that they have been trying to reach out to me, or silly things like how they are with me when I am sailing. (For the record, David hated sailing, and my mom never went with me). Stuff like that.

Thing is… I’m quite God-less at this point in my life. Statements like, “Things happen for a reason,” or, “Oh, they are looking down and smiling at you,” and stuff like that only tend to inflame me. I’d love to hear somebody try to explain to me the reason why I am left sitting here alone. Try to explain to the families of the twelve people who were gunned down that this happened for a reason. The reason is that shit happens to all people. Some, more than others. I’m not saying you don’t reap what you sow, but for the most part, Gump was right: Shit Happens.

“They just wanted you to know everything is okay”… really, is it? Don’t get me wrong, I am not bitter… I just am doing what I think is good for me, sharing the devastation and the challenges of trying to glue together the pieces that were once your life. Trying to demonstrate that it is possible to overcome this thing, trying to convince to those who are contemplating doing something to themselves to think twice before they unintentionally throw other people’s lives into a spiraling roller coaster of emotional and physical pain.

“They just wanted you to know everything is okay”… the only response I could possibly have is, “NO, everything is NOT OKAY.” And, quite frankly, if that is what you have to say to me, I’m not remotely interested in speaking with my brother or mother.

Things are NOT okay. If my brother’s message to me was, “Everything is okay now,” and this stuff did exist, my reply would be, “I am going to whoop your ass. And badly when I see you next… and then maybe I’ll go tell the living that I kicked your ass, and it I am feeling much more okay now.”

At one point in my life, I was open to the concept of this spiritual god, alternative-dimension thing. But as things in my life happened—as “shit happened”—I had to let go of the possibility of this other realm existing.

“He’s at peace now.” No, he’s not… he’s in a crappy over-sized box, slowly returning to the chemical compounds from which he was created. It should not be like this. This was preventable, treatable, and we could have overcome.

I do not think I would be able to sincerely do what I am doing now if I honestly believed that, right now, David is just kicking with a fly set of wings, a fashionable Canali toga, and some angelic dimples and chilling with Mom. You know, having a glass of champagne. What message does that send? Sorry, but “Chose Life” is the only acceptable outcome. Live a long, long fruitful life, and experience the wonders it offers.

I don’t want to be insensitive to people who have found religion or use religion and their spiritualism to cope. If it works for you, I say more power to you. There was a point in my life where the camaraderie of some church people really helped me through some challenging times.

But I think it was the healing power of the living that make it possible and not something else. You know, when it comes to suicide and religion, you really start treading on thin ice. The whole concept of Heaven and Hell are then put into play, and most religions will tell you: You go to Hell.

Well, I don’t quite like that outcome for my brother either. So ixnay on that whole debate.

But again, if the fear of the wrath of God keeps you alive, then you’re gonna go to Hell if you take your own life. I will say and do anything to keep you alive another day because we overcome suicide and depression by living another day. Every day you live increases your probability of getting better.

This is such a shitty post because I err on the side of honesty, and I suspect some people will maybe be turned off by my position on this. I may lose followers, or perhaps I will have offended some of you. For that, I am truly sorry because I am not here to shit on anybody’s beliefs. I am not Bill Maher, trying to convince you to shift your point of view.

The problem with the whole thing for me right now is that everything outside of “Shit Happens” and the ashes-to-ashes “Game Over” no more quarters creates huge conflict. So when people who genuinely believe in the spiritual side of things—and trust me, I am talking family, best friends, people so extremely close to me and David that they are literally family—talk to me about this, I respect their beliefs. But for me, I have to use the shut-off valve.

Things are not okay—in fact, things are royally-screwed up and have been since October 15th, 2011 and since September 9th, 2009. If the message was, “Hey Tim, things really suck from time to time, and I’m really sorry for putting you through all this, but I love you very much and really really wish I didn’t do what I did, and I made a huge mistake,” then maybe I could get all Swayze and throw a “ditto” back at you.

But for me, every day is a new challenge. I’m not trying to make sense of what happened; I am trying to make a difference so it doesn’t happen again.