My first blog post here. Somewhat overwhelming. The sharing that I have done up until now has always been with people I know personally and with people who also knew my wife. Now this is going out to an unknown audience, and it is daunting. How can anyone understand? How can anyone relate? How can I expect that this will make a difference without the personal knowledge? I’ve actually put this off for a few days now, trying to figure out where to start. I started to write a post a few times. I wrote a few sentences and then deleted them. Do I start with the present, with me? Do I start with who she was? Do I start with who I know her to be, or with who the world knew? Do I want your sympathy, do I want to shock you, make you laugh… or think?
But there is no good place to start. My thoughts aren’t clear enough and, like my desk and my life in general, they’re extremely disorganized. But I can say this clearly: It is imperative that more people share experiences. It is crucial to know that there is more than one story, that you are not alone. A sense of community is necessary to the human spirit. To me, it is also important to try to demystify depression, to allow it to be talked about, and to be aware of its impact and consequences.
So here we are. Danielle (my wife) left us over a year ago. The circumstances are hard to get into. Maybe as I move this along, there will come a time when it’s appropriate to talk about it. For now, there’s a date – 9/11/12. She had just turned 34 two days before. Family, friends, good food, and enough wine to drown anyone’s sorrows. But it was a temporary fix, it seems. Those sorrows are still there in the morning to remind you again and again that life is [___]. What word would you use to fill it in? Is life a bitch? Is life horrible? Hard? Random? Painful? Full of loss and sorrow?
I am playing around because I already led you into filling in a negative word. Life, NO MATTER WHAT, is beautiful. Life is, by many views (okay, I really mean my view), also short. What would lead someone to make it even shorter? I am not an expert, but I have had time to think about this. And even now, I am not sure I have or will ever have an answer. I am a survivor, I am a fighter, I am a positive spirit who always takes things and tries to spin them into a positive. But because of who I am, I also find it hard to understand how someone isn’t like me.
Sometimes I think the thought behind taking your life is akin to that of a soldier going into battle. It is the rationalization that your death is for the greater good. Unlike a soldier, though, the reasoning may be that you are a burden to people and to society and that you are really just doing everyone a favor. And that is depression.
But depression doesn’t directly lead you to jump. Depression makes you blind—makes you not see the reasons why you shouldn’t jump. I am fighting off this feeling more often than not. But you need tools to fight back. You need a fallback thought. You need a place to go to in your mind. You need to know how to trick your mind to skip past this. Most importantly, you need to know that this, too, will pass. I know, that’s easy to say. Of course it’s easy to say. But as you say it, say it out loud. Say it repeatedly. Your mind does this thing where it believes what you say, even if you don’t quite believe it before saying it.
Good liars know this. They believe a lie is true because they say it so often. I should know. But I will get to that part at some other time. On the other hand, this is a double-edged sword. It can easily create the opposite effect if all you say is negative. I’ll use work as an example: People will complain in the office about this and that for the simple reason that they don’t want to tell everyone life is great, in fear that people will be jealous and will not be as supportive. While that may be, it does at the same time make you feel that life does indeed suck.
Okay, that was a long tangent. I do that sometimes, especially when I am thinking about these issues. Anyway, back to reality. I will skip to the present and end there for now. I am here. I have a job that, for the longest time, I told myself was a necessary evil. Why? Money. Support a family. Own a home. Make someone happy. All these things are valid and were, for a long time, enough to get me to get up every day.
But now what? I am here, now, chained to a life that is no longer about someone else. And that in itself is important. Surviving as a husband. “I take you to be my wife. To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.” (Not that I remember much of that day, but I am sure it was something to that effect.) Fuck! And I was ready for that. I wasn’t ready for it to end. I mean, death do us part. Yeah, when we are old and shriveled, barely able to see each other through our thick glasses…
But not now. Every plan, every dream and aspiration, every vision of the future next to my wife. And now—blank. Is it white or black? What would be more expressive of complete emptiness? In this case, it’s white. I don’t know. Maybe because you can draw on white easier then on black? Whatever. This empty life. Everything is gone. And I’m left here standing, surviving. I’m not sure how. At first it was one step, a second, a minute at a time. Now it’s more like a day at a time. So there’s some progress. Not that there is anything wrong with living every day as if it was your last, living in the present without thinking about the future.
But there are drawbacks as well. You should probably be able to do both—live in the present but take the time to conjure up a vision of the future. I heard about someone having a vision board. I guess I had mine as well, even though it resided in my head. But back to living in the moment. It is actually a coping mechanism that helps in many instances. I mean, if I face a problem that’s too big to grasp, I break it down. In this case, the problem is life. So… breaking it down, the problem is today. Well, I can manage today more then I can a lifetime. That said, this can’t go on forever. So here we are.
My life is at a crossroads. Most of us have these moments. They tend to revolve around a dramatic event, and those are usually quite bad. And in the wake of my own tragedy I decided: I will make this into a positive. My mind was racing. I will start a charity in her name. I will volunteer. I will donate. I will do good. I will… I will… I will change the world.
Stop. Nothing has happened. I overwhelmed myself and found that paralyzing. So here I am, over a year later. What do I have to show for it? Same job. No charity. No volunteer work. No progress. Stuck. And this has happened before. My dad passed away suddenly in an accident a few years back. I swore then that things would change.
But… I have the mortgage payment, I got the bills to pay, and I hunker down. I do as I did then, and go to it, one day at a time. And I find years have passed and none of what I wanted to happen did. And why? Because I didn’t do anything about it.
Again, I fear the same pattern. And it is hard to break. But break it I will. And I will not wait for another tragedy. I will not wait for someone to get sick, to die, or for myself to get sick or… anyway, so how do I get myself out of this? How do I break the pattern? You have to break it down so you can rebuild it.
So, basically—fuck it all! And here we are! What to do? Then answers start coming. Do what you love! I love to travel, I love snowboarding, I love driving around, I love getting lost, I love it more once I find my way, I love nature, I love my dog… I love being free to roam. The answer is clear: a road trip. A road trip that will hopefully in the end finally bring me home. And not necessarily a physical home, but home to where I belong, home to where I feel happy, home to where I feel loved and needed and wanted. Home is wherever that all resides! I need to find that.
But you will say… you can’t find all that, it’s not just going to fall into your lap. You need to make it happen. Interesting twist. Back to hard work, struggle, etc. But some of the basic facts need to change then. Do what you love! I keep going back to this. I mean, there are many other things that I love besides the idea behind this road trip. It’s not like I am going to be a pro snowboarder. But those all need to be organized and thought through. And that takes time. And quiet. So that is my plan.
I read something today. Someone was saying that he took off for a week without telling anyone where he went, to try to clear his thoughts. His advice in the end was that it was pointless. If you can’t do this wherever you are and in whatever situation you are, running away from the situation will not help. I think this is something that can turn either way, and it is more about the expectations and about specific situations. To me, I am not running away as much as I am running toward something.
Since I lack a specific goal, I am making this trip hard enough and long enough that taking the trip is a goal in itself: 12,000 miles, 2 ½ months. Something like 29 states, 14 to 18 mountains and somewhere in the neighborhood of 38 days riding them—some of the most awesome places in the world–Taos, Breck, Keystone, A-basin, Vail, Beaver Creek, Canyons, Snowbird, Jackson Hole, Whistler, Mt Hood, Squaw, Heavenly, Kirckwood, Northstar, Mammoth, and if time and money allow a few others in-between… (for those who know and care). With a dog. On a minimal budget that will require camping, sleeping in the car, crashing with friends, and making new friends along the way since nobody volunteered to pay my mortgage while I’m away. There! That is a challenge for myself, and a challenge I will love to take on. Giddy up! You are welcome to come along.
