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“That’s the thing about suicide. Try as you might to remember how a person lived his life, you always end up thinking about how he ended it.” – Anderson Cooper

I read this in Anderson Cooper’s book after David had died. It had stuck with me because of the simplicity in the truth of this statement.

A week ago tomorrow, Gia Allemand hung herself in her apartment. I cannot recall a single time having watched The Bachelor, yet enough people have that she was on their 14th season. Gia’s being on The Bachelor created a story that was “sensational” enough for the media’s attention to cover the tragic loss of another young life. The sad part is, as Anderson correctly articulated, is that Gia will now be remembered for how she ended her life and less so for the accomplishments and the great things leading up to that fateful day:

29, Maxim model, dating an NBA player… sounds like the ideal outcome for anybody, right? But here again we have a person who seems to have it all, fighting emotions so powerful that she believed taking her own life was the only resolution. It’s tragic, and I feel for her family and friends left behind. I feel sympathy for her boyfriend Ryan, who apparently had an argument with her leading up to her death. It was similar to the way David and I last saw one another, and I’ve lived with it every day of my life, wishing I hadn’t yelled at him and rather hugged him or expressed how much he meant to me. I feel for her sibling(s) who now have had a vital piece of their life torn from them, knowing exactly what it feels like each and every day you wake. They are now part of the club nobody chooses to join and whose membership dues are the ultimate sacrifice.

Media will dig to see why. I’ve already seen some articles about her having “access” to on-set therapists and her declining to use them. They’ll probably lean into Ryan and the family and try to focus on some particular event that would somehow explain away this loss. I guess it is an important question, and we are curious by nature, but “why” is short-term. “Why” tries to explain away a much larger conversation that continues to be brushed under the rug. It’s short-sighted in that it appears as if the a single cause equals a final effect. As if there is one specific thing that caused this young woman, who had it all going for her, take her life while her boyfriend was out for an hour or so.

I understand why we ask, “Why?” I was a “why” person up until David hung himself. I stopped that day. There were so many “why’s” leading up to that day, yet no single “why” justified the ultimate act that removes a human being from this earth.

WHAT?

“What” might be a good place to start. It appears on both sides of the equation; it’s the question I ask myself all the time. What could we have done differently? What tools are out there when I am feeling depressed? What can I do to get out of this place I am in? What do I do now?

“What’s” lead to “how’s.” I’m not discounting “why’s”… they are important. But “why’s” are the thing that lead us to the present tense—the right now. Once we are here, it’s a matter of “what” and “how.”

I’d like to see more “what’s” and “how’s” in this discussion.

What have we learned from yet another avoidable loss of life? What do I do when I feel like Gia did? What do I do when I see somebody I care about struggling like Gia?

How do I provide her the support she needs? How do I seek the help I need? What do I do now that he/she is gone, and how am I going to make another day with him?

I keep seeing it over and over in our society, the need to point the finger and say “that”… that thing right there is “why” this is happening. It let’s us rest easy at night as if the “why” is the solution. It’s merely one piece of the puzzle, and usually when we are addressing the “why,” it is already too late. So WHAT should we do now?