Man, it’s cold inside.
Not within the friendly confines of the walls that surround us. To most, it’s nice and warm inside and, in fact, the only place some want to be during the winter months in the northeast. Most people love the warmth of the “inside.” Shelter provides a secure seclusion from the oncoming frigidness.
When I walk outside in the mid-December Connecticut night, I feel a beautiful chill: a feeling compiled after years and years of late autumn/early winter moments. An intrinsic rush of nostalgia hitting me like a left jab from a hopeful contender.
I find beauty in the wind chill that awaits me when I close the front door.
But that’s outside…
Inside, so much winter exists.
I am really struggling with this situation…
For those who don’t know me, I am a hip-hop artist. I find solace in combining syllables to depict my feelings at any given time. To be honest, most of my wordplay is braggadocio and often times might diffuse a casual listener from examining my lyrics. This is an oversight I accept, as I don’t imagine many people look to hip-hop as a source of inspiration anymore… I still do.
And David still did.
Last year I released an album entitled Disrupting Nature’s Balance. The last track on that album is called “Before Life Concludes.”
The song is really about my struggles with the visualization of death as a man that has demons, yet still has an insatiable desire to live. The hook for that song goes, “On everything I’ve ever loved/On everything I’ve ever known/On everything I’ll ever say before my story’s set in stone/Let me get home… (please)/Tonight just let me get home”
It’s a call to God to protect one of his children…
What David did as one of God’s children may be discussed at a later date. Quite frankly, I’m not sure I’m equipped to discuss such an event in that regard.
When I got off stage at my album release party in 2010, David was the first to greet me. I had many friends and “crew” members there, as well, but David did not care. He hugged me as if nothing else in the world mattered. He told me how proud he was and how “great” he thought I was, and he would not let go of his cousin. I remember looking at the line of people waiting to see me and thinking, “Fuck it.” This is DAVID. If there was genuine love for me in the building, it wasn’t coming any stronger from anyone else than this dude.
I would never call David an avid music fan, but he understood what the night meant to me and how much music meant to me. He actually said, “I’m in awe of you!” These words reverberate through me every time I take the stage.
With that being written…
I remember him writing a diary back in 2004 (when we worked together). He said (paraphrasing), “My cousin loves rap… I doubt if I’ll ever love something as much as he does.”
WOW.
These words touched me so much. But selfishly, I ignored the true meaning. I took the words as encouragement for what I do, as opposed to the negative feelings someone else was having. I chalked it up to a painful time in David’s life, versus a “true” feeling in his heart. I valued my ego over his innate feelings, and for this, I am sorry.
I had no inclination of the events that would eventually transpire… if I did, maybe this website wouldn’t exist. Maybe that’s giving myself too much credit.
I have spent a lifetime trying to support the beauty of hip-hop music and have faced many challengers, rightfully so. It takes a true analyst to decipher the actual skill from the corporate nonsense, and in most cases, it will not be resolved.
But every so often, you are blessed by the ears of an engaged listener.
One day, my cousin finally got it.
He sent me a text about a year ago, saying how great he thought my song “Before Life Concludes” was. I remember being truly flattered that he was even listening to the album. Ironically, my album was the only one in his car.
The next day, as if by ESP, Tim sent me a text: “DUDE-U MADE MY MORNING. BEFORE LIFE CONCLUDES IS INCREDIBLE!”
I called Dave and asked if he had told Tim about the track, and he said, “Nah man, that’s Tim on his own.”
IRONIC that they both discovered my most cherished song within hours of each other…
To be a good human (no soapbox beneath my feet, lol), you have to understand others’ perspectives. You must maintain an open mind and allow people to pursue their own avenue. It’s taken me quite some time to understand this, but now I do. People that would have once annoyed me immediately, I now know how to have the tolerance to withstand, and even welcome in some cases.
As a rap artist, it is hard for me to condone and accept other forms of music. However, I have found a beauty in a particular band that resonates throughout the situation that my family and all of you wonderful friends are currently enduring. The band is called Mumford & Sons. Tim has mentioned them.
I have spent days and nights listening to their songs “Little Lion Man,” “Feel the Tide (Turning),” and “The Cave.” It’s is uncanny and, in fact, otherworldly how much these songs relate to David, Tim, etc. I have gotten to the point where I almost cannot play their songs due to the poignancy that exists. It truly feels as if these guys wrote these songs based on the situation that is currently tearing me like a machete. It is gut-wrenching, heart-melting, spine-tingling material that only the most dire of hearts can appreciate.
Tim tried to use it as a tool to convey his feelings to David. He tried to uplift his little brother with the gift of music… but David couldn’t hear it.
Tim’s efforts, although ultimately unsuccessful, have not gone unnoticed. I understand ENTIRELY what Tim was trying to convey to his brother. David said to me, ‘Yeah, Tim is trying to get me to listen to these hillbilly dudes again.”
At the time he said this, I had no idea what he meant. I now know what he meant, what Tim meant, and what I now feel. The words of these gentlemen from across the pond now echo inside my being like they were singing inside my soul’s cavern. EVERY WORD FLOORS ME…
David, David, David… I only wished you had the patience to comprehend what a true “corner man” is. He might be too blunt at times, you may hate him at times… but in the end, who would you rather have by your side when it’s time to save your life???
You could have gotten through this… I CANNOT SAY THESE WORDS ENOUGH.
I encourage anyone reading to listen and experience the “cold inside”. Play some of the songs mentioned in this blog and try to understand one man’s desire to save another man’s life.
