February. Here already. Heading into four months, and I got to tell you this is only getting harder and harder for me. Best I can tell is that the recency of things, while sad, allow you to recall a moment “just the other day” when we were doing this and that. But as we head into the fourth month, the real longing has been tearing my heart to pieces.
I guess the real challenge for me now is letting go of the daily routine we had. I am not sure how you do it, or if it ever will go away, but I gotta tell you it has been sucking. And by sucking, I mean it’s as if your body has been addicted to something you have had all your life, and you just stop cold turkey.
It’s the heroin addict of my heart and soul. And it is every bit as awful as every movie depicting the withdrawal reactions—only, it’s balled up into one crappy scene on repeat.
It’s my own heart scratching itself relentlessly, the violent shakes and spasms of your brain just reminding you how much you loved your little brother, and the reality you can only remember that you will not get him back no matter what you do. I’m not afraid to say I was addicted to my little brother, and this withdrawal is awful.
I know it will get better, but right now it’s sucking pretty bad, and it’s one of those things you just have to go through and experience. There is little-to-nothing the people around you can do to help. It’s all internal, and it’s just the pain of healing.
